Recovery and new relationships

Remove the labels you stick on people, places and things

In many cases recovering from living with an addict leads to ending the relationship. It is quite natural that you carry feelings of disappointment, betrayal, anger and pain with you after such a rupture for quite some time. You blame your addict for them and these feelings can stand in the way of engaging in new relationships. You are afraid to get hurt again. We generalize our anger and mistrust towards people we meet (“men are all the same anyhow” or “you cannot trust women.Period.”)

We have to realize that it is not the addict that generates our feelings. It is our own thought process. Fortunately we are in control of our thoughts.

Read more
Read More

Denial: the main obstacle to recovery

Denial

Logically, the need to recover from living with an addict can only become apparent when you are  conscious of the fact that it is indeed addiction that is affecting your life and that of the addict. Unfortunately this consciousness is often hindered by the mechanisms of denial and repression.

Read more
Read More

Which program is right for your recovery

When you hit rock bottom...

Once you have reached the point where you realize that you need help because your life has swung out of control (“you hit rock bottom”), where do you turn to?

Read more
Read More

Happy 4th of July 2010

I wish you all a very happy Independence Day 2010.

Paulus

Read More

You are not alone

The numbers are staggering

In the research for my upcoming book I have taken a close look at how widely spread addiction actually is. Let’s take a closer look at some numbers, both in my native country and in the US. You will notice that you are not alone.

Read more
Read More

Co-dependancy: being addicted to the addict

Co-dependancy

When we are dealing with the chaos and suffering that are the consequence of the addiction of a loved one, friend or colleague, we tend to focus all of our attention on the addict. We solve his or her problems, we want to control the addiction. We fight it. As you may have learned through this blog or through other resources, such as 12 step programs (e.g. al-anon), we obviously cannot.

Read more
Read More

The young adult addict

The young addict

What do you do when you realize that a young adult is addicted? As a parent the feeling that will probably hit you first is guilt. Where did you fail in “properly” educating and preparing your baby for the big bad world? Where did you go wrong? Did you warn him or her enough? The emotions these thoughts provoke, can be very painful and overwhelming.

Read more
Read More

Love is blind…

Love is blind...

The hardest part of loving an addict is that it “blocks” awareness. All you want to do is help (or cure…) the addict and very often this becomes your sole purpose in life. In doing so we tend to forget ourselves and our own life’s purpose. Also, helping may turn into a compulsion to control the addict (counting bottles, dumping booze, checking secretly, etc.)  And this, of course, is an impossible quest.

Read more
Read More

Should I break up?

Should I break up?

One of the choices I struggled with was whether to break up with my addicted partner or not. With hindsight I realize that the answer to this question had always been present within myself. But I needed or wanted to get the answer from others. If only someone would tell me that I should put an end to the relationship, this would give me the reason, the justification to do so. Obviously this is insane.

Read more
Read More

Powerlessness

Powerlessness

One of the often heard terms in 12-step programs, such as al-anon, are the so-called “3 C’s”: you didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it and you can’t Cure it.  It being the addiction, of course. True Read more

Read More
Translate »